Alan Rudolph
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
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Seven Good Reasons to Blame Your Partner (And Why None of Them Are Good Enough)
Posted on June 4, 2017 at 3:20 PM |
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Seven Good Reasons to Blame Your Partner (And Why None
of Them Are Good Enough) Robert Solley Reason
#7 — It’s Easy! Under stress it’s often easier to
see what someone else is doing wrong than what you are doing wrong. It’s easier
to see the food stuck in your partner’s teeth than your own. To see your own
you would first need to locate a mirror and then look into it. And then you
would need to open your lips to be able to see your own teeth. And we’re not
even talking yet about finding the motivation to locate and look in the mirror,
much less to expose the ugly condition of your teeth to yourself. Reason
#6 — It’s Fun Well, OK, maybe not fun fun.
But it feels good at some level. At it’s worst, blaming someone else feels good
in a vengeful, “I gotcha” kind of way. More often there’s a venting,
energy-release part that’s somewhat satisfying. But then there’s another part
feels not-so-good, in an out-of-control, guilty kind of way. However, even the
bad part of this feeling may be more comfortable than it should be. For
example, how you would you feel right at that point if you really took
responsibility for whatever part of the conflict was yours. Because there’s almost always some part that’s yours. To really take responsibility you
might have to fight through a wall of shame. In the moment, that would be
painful — to really acknowledge that you did something wrong, were bad, screwed
up, were unthinking, or whatever it might be. See Reason #5! Reason
#5 — Accepting Responsibility and Feeling Bad Are Hard This is a corollary to Reason 2.
What makes accepting responsibility especially hard is shame, which most of us
feel to varying degrees (psychopaths are an exception). This is the feeling
that fundamentally we aren’t good enough as human beings, that we’re flawed,
inadequate, broken, defective…need I say more? So if we start to accept the
idea that we might have done something a little wrong, for some it can tap into
this big pool of “I’m all bad.” And that just feels awful! Since the
function of shame in society is to act as a sanction against violating
important social norms, it leaves one feeling alone. At its worst you can feel
totally isolated in your badness, cut off from any possibility of love from
anyone else, for eternity. Wow, no wonder it feels better to blame your
partner! But wait, there’s more… Reason
#4 — We’ve Been Taught All Our Lives to Blame Starting as little kids we were
taught right and wrong — and especially wrong. First by our parents, and then
by our teachers through the long years of school into adulthood. Right and
wrong behaviors, right and wrong answers, right and wrong everything. That
highlighted and underscored those feelings of shame for the most significant,
tender formative years of our lives (to say nothing of adulthood). We also
learned that if you can successfully deny it, or push the responsibility off
onto someone else then you don’t have to feel that shame as much. “I didn’t do
it, Gertrude did!” Reason
#3 — We Use Ourselves As the Standard We each tend to think that “The way
I do it is the best way.” Of course! We’ve spent our whole lives improving on
(or working against) what our parents taught us, so this must be the way to do
it! Perhaps the only way to do it! “If you would only do it my way!”
Well, it turns out there are lots of ways to do things, and in many cases
either it doesn’t really matter, different conditions may demand different
ways, or at any rate it’s probably not worth losing your relationship over. But
giving up ideas, beliefs, or ways of doing things, can be scary. It can feel
like something terrible would happen, or you might lose yourself. Reason
#2 — It’s Hard to Fully Accept That Your Partner Is a Different Person This is a corollary to #3. Things
would seemingly be much easier and smoother if your partner just thought about
and did things the way you do. But your partner is a different person, with his
or her own ideas, personality, and habits. At some level we’re aware of this,
but too often if our partners do something differently from how we would, we
feel anger and frustration. And we bolster our anger will all manner of
justifications and rationalizations. “But my way really is better. No,
really.” And sometimes it is. But how much of the time is it worth sacrificing your
relationship for being right, or wanting your partner to respond the same way
you do? Coming to terms with those
differences can be painful, can make you feel separate from them, can scare you
that maybe you and your partner are too different after all. But it can also
bring you closer in the long run if you can talk about and learn to accept each
other’s differences. Reason
#1 — It’s Animal Nature to Bite Back When we feel criticized or blamed
it’s natural to criticize or blame back. This is an extension of our protective
reflex to attack sources of physical threat or pain. So it makes perfect sense
that when we are hurt emotionally we would try to hurt back in an effort to
relieve our own pain. This instinct may be one of the most powerful forces
behind blame, and especially the kind of reflexive retaliatory blame that gets
us stuck in miserable escalating fights. Our best intentions can be little
match against mother nature’s hard-wiring. But again, we can become more
self-aware, learn the signals that precede blaming, and do something else
instead. Why
None of These Reasons Are Good Enough Think of a time when you have felt
blamed or criticized. Remember how it felt inside? Think of a time when you
were in a fight with your partner. Chances are, at least part of what you were
feeling was blamed, criticized, hurt, and angry. Now think of how you felt the
next day or perhaps days later (assuming that you did have some recovery from
that fight). Remember how much more clearly you could think about the topics,
how much broader your perspective was? Remember how much more you could think
about your partner’s point of view in a more open way? Perhaps you were even
able to come to some resolution with your partner in that calmer place. If not,
or if it’s hard to even get to a calmer, clearer place after a day or so, then
perhaps the pain you are causing each other is becoming chronic and this would
be a good time to seek counseling. When we feel blamed, criticized, or
misunderstood, the feelings of hurt and anger take over our minds and bodies,
making it almost impossible to have a decent conversation. Not only are we
unable to think clearly, but it becomes much more difficult to really listen to
our partners. Furthermore — since it is natural to retaliate in an effort to
get relief from the pain, we strike back, inducing all of those same bad feelings
that we are having in our partner. So now we are both not only impaired, but
caught in an unpleasant cycle with each other that’s only getting worse. Knowing how bad it feels to feel
blamed or criticized, and knowing how it cripples the conversation and
relationship, wouldn’t it seem worthwhile to learn to retrain those reflexes?
Here are two alternatives to think about next time:
Learn to catch your blaming tendencies before they come out
and hurt someone — especially your partner. |
The power of vulnerability
Posted on September 21, 2014 at 10:42 AM |
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Looking to get more from life? This video can help: |
Why isn't a man more like a woman?
Posted on June 22, 2012 at 1:42 PM |
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My clients and I spend a lot of time looking at why their partners don't do what they expect. Simply put, men and women are very different. Here is an article by Laura Schaefer that helps explain differences: The Male Brain, Explained By Laura Schaefer Women
have puzzled over it for years—why the heck do men do the things they do? Why
do they profess their love for you one minute, then ignore you the next (say,
when an Attila the Hun special turns up on TV)? Why can they not remember our
birthdays? Let science explain some of these conundrums—and help you rev up
your relationships! Be patient with his memory
The hippocampus, where initial memories are formed, occupies a smaller percent
of the male brain than the female brain. If on your first date he can't
remember where you work, even though you told him all about it when you met,
just remember that size matters … hippocampus size, that is. Don't take it
personally. (Oh, and don't be surprised when, months down the line, he has no
clue you've just changed your hair.) Don't expect him to get hints
Have a crush on him? You may have to put it out there, because men aren't as
skilled at women at reading subtle emotional cues. As Dr. Larry Cahill of the
University of California at Irvine puts it, "We have been assuming that
the ways in which emotions are organized in the brain are essentially similar
in men and women," but they aren't. Parts of the limbic cortex, which is
involved in emotional responses, are smaller in men than in women.
Additionally, scientists at McMaster University have found that guys have a
smaller density of neurons in areas of the temporal lobe that deal with
language processing. That's why it's probably a good idea to tell him
straight-up how you're feeling ("I'm kind of hurt that you forgot I hate
sushi"). Expecting him to infer from your hints could leave both of you
scratching your heads. Don't take conversation lulls personally
Fact is, guys in general just aren't as verbally adept as women are. Large
parts of the cortex — the brain's outer layer that does a big part of
recognizing and using subtle language cues — are thinner in men than they are
in women. A study led by Dr. Godfrey Pearlson of Johns Hopkins University has
shown that two areas in the frontal and temporal lobes that play an important
role in language processing are significantly smaller in men. Using MRIs, the
Johns Hopkins scientists measured gray matter volumes in several brain regions
in 17 females and 43 males. Women had 23 percent more volume than men in the
dorsolateral prefrontal cortex and 13 percent more volume than men in the
superior temporal cortex. "Women," explains Dr. Cahill, "excel
in being able to come up with appropriate words, given cues." Men — not so
much. Don't expect him to chatter with you on dates with the skill of a
girlfriend, and don't assume he's not interested in you if he occasionally lets
the conversation lapse. Think of it this way: He's simply basking in moments of
quiet companionship. Appreciate his naturally upbeat nature
Does he seem to be "up" most of the time? It's not your imagination:
Male brains produce 52 percent more serotonin (the chemical that influences
mood) than female brains, according to a study done at McGill University. And
studies show that fewer men than women suffer from depression. Guys may also
have an easier time rolling with life's big stresses. If he tells you he
recently lost his golden lab or suffered a job loss and doesn't get all teary,
it doesn't mean he's heartless; rather, he has healthy stores of serotonin. Don't expect his take on your relationship history to match yours
He may be incapable of seeing your shared past the way you do. Brain images
have started to show that men and women use their brains in vastly different
ways. For example, women use the left part of the amygdala — the part of the
brain that creates emotional reactions to events — to put memories in order by
emotional strength, meaning that something emotionally important to them (like
a great first date a couple of months ago) will be ordered in front of what
they ate for breakfast yesterday. Men, however, use the right part of the
amygdala to put memories in order. Traditionally, the right hemisphere of the
brain is associated with the central action of an event, while the left
hemisphere is associated with finer details. Translation: You'll both remember
your first date, but he might not remember the color of your sweater or the
light rain that was falling that night. It doesn't mean he was checked out; it
just means he's a guy. Remember his brain is his largest sex organ
In males of several species including humans, the preoptic area of the
hypothalamus is greater in volume, in cross-sectional area and in the number of
cells. In men, this area is more than two times larger than in women, and it
contains twice as many cells. And what, say you, does this have to do with the
horizontal mambo? Plenty. This area of the hypothalamus is in charge of mating
behavior. This
small structure connects to the pituitary gland, which releases sex hormones.
So if your bf wants to get intimate all the time and you feel like Ms. Low
Desire, remember: You're just experiencing normal, brain-based differences. Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor:
The Best and Worst Personal Ads of All Time. For the other side of this
story, read .
Article courtesy of Happen magazine, . |
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